Christmas..

I don’t really know how to explain how I feel about Christmas

 other than at around this point in December “my heart hurts”

That sounds rather somber..perhaps even a little dramatic.

But it is a physical feeling,a lump in my throat that I can’t swallow

A pain in my chest that arrives within minutes of waking.

It is grief.

Evan is happy,in-fact possibly the happiest boy I know

I do not spend my days wishing he was different,I spend them basking in the joy Evan brings into my daily life.

But Christmas..it sorts the men from the boys.

Christmas is when all children are full of excitement,counting down the days,making lists to Santa,running round in circles and bursting at the seams.

It never crossed my mind there were children that did not  acknowledge Christmas. Children that found Christmas stressful and distressing. Children with special needs.

Everywhere you go there is no escape

Everyone asks your child “have you been good” “Whats Santa bringing” Lights everywhere and displays in every shop.

All the things that make December feel Christmassy are exhausting

Christmas seems to magnify everything you miss and everything your child doesn’t do….

All the progress you have made during the year seems irrelevant..for those few days

Every year I feel the same

But then after those couple of days of unavoidable sadness

We have the time of our lives,

Evan style.

 Because It is his Christmas.

 

 

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